


In Reverse

by DivineVarod



Category: Red Dwarf
Genre: Diary/Journal, Hidden Talents, M/M, Pre-Slash, Sacrifice, backwards
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-23
Updated: 2016-07-23
Packaged: 2018-07-26 02:32:09
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,058
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7556668
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DivineVarod/pseuds/DivineVarod
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>LISTER: What do you mean you don't want to leave?<br/>RIMMER: We're happy here!</p><p>---</p><p>Just why was Rimmer so happy in that Backwards world …?</p>
            </blockquote>





	In Reverse

**Holo-Dairy of Arnold J. Rimmer - Fourth year alone in space**  
  
_Update:_

I'm the happiest I've ever been in my entire life – or existence, as I call it. Finally I'm in a place where I matter, where I have a talent. Even if it is only by default. There are posters of me all over town. Can you imagine? _Posters of ME!!_  Yes, I'm sharing the credits with Kryten, but that's fine. Finally I mean something. I think ... I feel as if I'm home.  
  
It's been surprisingly easy to fit in here. Talking and writing backwards is one of the few things I've always been good at. As a child I always wrote my diaries in reverse so my brothers could not read my thoughts and laugh at me. They were to lazy to try reading the books with a mirror. A great plan, even if I actually begun to think backwards after doing it for too long.  
  
As a bonus Kryten seemed truly stunned when I picked it up so easily – that'll teach him not to underestimate Arnold J. Rimmer.

It's been a while since I felt so calm. It's so peaceful here. For the first time in forever I feel as if I don't have to be on guard: I know nothing is going to happen to me, because if it would, it would already have.  
  
I never realised I'd love being an entertainer, but I do. I keep thinking of new additions to the act: using my projection for a quick change act that Holly and I are working out, walking through things. I might even throw in some forwards organ playing and … maybe … some dancing. The possibilities are endless!!  
  
Lister will be here soon. He'll be so surprised to see I haven't messed this up. That I'm not a failure.  
Thanks to me he'll be back on some semblance of earth and I'll have it all ready for him: Kryten and I will provide for us all (including the Cat) while I … I will mentor Lister, help him discover this new world. He'll be so proud of me, and I just know we'll all be happy here.  
Maybe Lister will be so happy with what I've done for him that he'll … No, no, that is just silly, I can't even write that.  
  
But what _could_ be possible, if we'd stay long enough is that I might come back to life. Be human again: to touch, to feel. And maybe then … just maybe …  
  


* * *

  
**Holo-Dairy of Arnold J. Rimmer Fourth year alone in space**  
  
_Update:_  
  
Back on Red Dwarf and another dream ruined. How stupid to even hope Lister would ever be proud of me. He didn't even seem impressed by our success, the things we'd achieved in less than two weeks on a new planet. It didn't even seem to register. Or maybe he just thought it was stupid, as he never even gave it a chance.  
  
I dreamed of him coming to find us and … Oh I don't know what I wanted. All I know is that of all the dreams I ever had, this one was the stupidest one of all.  
  
From the moment he and the Cat arrived it was all over: Every hope I held onto, every happiness I felt shrivelled up and died. Nothing I said could impress him, nothing I could say would change his mind.  
Okay, maybe we couldn't stay there forever, but would it have hurt him to stay just a few years?  
  
He'll never know how good we were, that I could be different. That I was liked and that I had a talent.  
He never saw what I saw. All he saw was the same smegging cowardly Rimmer again. Soon after he arrived a fight broke out and … I hid under the table. I knew I could not get hurt, but I still hid. Call it instinct, call it reverting to my childhood but I don't care: I embarrassed myself in front of Lister _again_. After (or before, if you will) that everything just crashed down we lost our job and … everything else.  
  
I could have stayed, I could have started over, gone solo as it where, it could have worked. But … seeing Lister I knew I never could. Everything would have always reminded me of the dream I had of us together. And I have my duty. The one great duty that I will not fail, even if it means giving up on my one shot at happiness …  
  


* * *

Epilogue.

* * *

  
**Diary of David Lister – Sometime somewhere in smegging space**  
  
_Update:_  
  
Guess I really smegged this up. I haven't seem Rimsy so depressed in a long time. He thinks I don't notice it, but I do. He misses that backwards earth.  
  
Kryten told me all about their time there. I can't smegging believe it!! Rimmer taking initiative, being an entertainer and actually speaking the lingo? Seems he really was in his element and I messed things up for him, big time.  
  
I wish I'd paid attention to him a bit more. Looking back he did seem kinda different: he smiled, his eyes sparkled and his voice sounded … a little more confident, I think. I shouldn't have blundered in like that and given him a chance to talk, to show me what it was he liked so much. Give it a couple of days, even. I never gave it a chance and I regret that now, not just because of Rimmer, but because … even backwards, it was earth.  
  
Kryten says that Rimmer had some sort of dream: providing for us and getting a home for the four of us. Thinking about it, it doesn't sound too bad. He even thought that, over time, he could be human again.

I just don't get why he didn't take his chance to stay there, if it meant so much to him, if he felt at home there. Even if I didn't like it, he could have build his life there, and maybe get his dream. I'd have wanted that for him.  
  
But still, he chose to stay. Despite all our arguments and … well, how we treat him sometimes.  
I'm never gonna let him know, but: I'm glad he did stay. I'd miss the smegger if he was gone.  
I'm just sad I missed out on the chance of seeing him happy …


End file.
